My mistake....

I apologize in advance to anyone who this may offend, but I need to write down this.

So I have have been spending a lot of time in my head lately....when I'm unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep. I've decided a few things about myself.

1. I am very judgmental. Not in the way that you would think though. I judge you that you are judging me. I assume you think that I'm not worth anything so you won't even try to be my friend. I ASSUME that you are laughing at me on the inside and don't think I'm worth your time. I don't give people a chance because I don't want to risk getting hurt. If you know me, you know that I'm very sensitive, and my heart has been bruised a lot. Not by guys because I didn't really give them a chance. But by people I considered my friends, or people I wanted to be friends with. A lot of this stems from my past. People I considered my friends would make fun of me, or make me feel that I was lucky to be hanging out with them, and I began to believe that I was not worth that much and I WAS lucky to be around the people who only kept me around out of pity. The damage that caused is hard to overcome. I thought I had moved beyond it, but I looked around and realized that I don't make an effort to be friends with anyone, they have to reach out to me and even then, I'm hesitant. So here is my goal, I will not just assume that someone is trying to take advantage of me. I will also not just assume that someone doesn't really care about me. I will give people a chance. I'm sorry to anyone who has tried to reach out in friendship and I was to afraid to reach back. You don't deserve that.

2. I am focused too much on the negative things in my life, and I keep saying I'll be happy when....I'll be happy when I get a boyfriend, I'll be happy when I get engaged, I'll be happy when I'm married, I'll be happy when we buy a house, I'll be happy when we have a baby...when I was in high school I was on the debate team, I know surprise....but I did oratory speech and our team captain gave a speech that really had an effect on me. Part of it was the following poem...

. As a rule man is a fool,
When it's hot he wants it cool,
When it's cool he wants it hot,
Always wanting what is not.

That poem has been with me for nearly 15 years. Always in the back of my mind. Yet I was always look for happiness outside of myself. But happiness doesn't come from the outside. It comes from within, and using the innate ability we all have to find the GOOD things in life. There are ALWAYS good things, even at the lowest moment of my life I am more blessed than I deserve. I have a wonderful family, a romantic and passionate husband, a home, a good job, the gospel, awesome in-laws that make me feel like I'm part of the family, and accept me for who I am and a plethora of others that there just isn't enough time or space in all the world to list. I am truly blessed. My goal here is to count my blessings on a daily basis. Maybe I will post them....steal an Idea from Kimmi over at So Many Kids, So Little Time and post a few things that I'm grateful for every week on "Muchas Gracias Monday" but I KNOW I will be happier if I focus on the positive things.

3. I have a food addiction. It's food. I know that sounds silly, but it's not. It's serious. I won't be hungry but I still feel a need to eat, and to eat a lot. It has caused me to gain over 100 pounds. Here is the does one stay away from food? You have to have it to survive. How do you break an addiction to something that your body needs? Its a frighting reality to face. I guess we could not have any unhealthy snack foods in the house...but even healthy snacks are bad if you eat too my goal? I don't know...I don't know what to do about this one. I don't know how to fix my brain.

10 June 2010