Day 10 of 30

If you want a lit of the full list of 30 days of truth, click here

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

This isn't really a fair question. I don't know. Maybe it is. But generally if I need to let someone go, I do. I can't think of anyone who is actually IN my life that shouldn't be here. It is what it is.

18 October 2011

Day 9 of 30

To veiw the full list click here

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

To everything there is a season. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but things are what they are. I believe that people come into your life for a specific purpose. It's part of your experience to make you who you need to be. You react to them and love them while they are there, and try to learn from them. Hold tight if you want to keep them, if you can't keep them, thank Heavenly Father for the time they were there.

There are friends that I've drifted from, whom I still love dearly, that if we were to sit down, I honesty believe that we could just pick up where we left off. There are others that it's so awkward with, it's hard to believe we were ever friends. But if your reading this your more likely in that first category, and I love you for it!

11 October 2011

Day 8 of 30

To view the entire list of 30 days of truth Click Here

I bet you thought I'd forgotten about this. You did?! Well I didn't forget. Quite the opposite in fact. I've been thinking about this post for a long time. It's probably the most difficult one on the list, partly because there are so many emotions tied to it. Shame, Rage, frustration. Did I mention shame?

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.

It's a struggle. Something I've been dealing with for a long time. I don't know how to write about it, and so this post might suck, but oh well. I'm not getting paid to do this, it's just the random thoughts of a rambling woman.

Everyone you come in contact with has the potential to make your life difficult. Sometimes it's your choice to let them sometimes it's not. I think the thing that I allowed to make my live crappy was bullies. They come from everywhere, and it dosen't matter who you are 97% of people either were a bully, have seen someone bullied or were the victim. I was the latter, and I let myself continue to be one for a long time. I'm still trying to overcome the taunts I heard, both from people I really cared about and people I really disliked. In high school I was 5' 8'' and weight in at approximately 165. I was a little bit chubby, but I don't think I would have considered myself fat, had I not been told that's what I was. I had little to no self esteem, a problem which I still struggle with. The echos of tubo, tub of lard, lardo, whale lady and every other "fat" name you can think of still ring in my ears at night.

I try to believe my husband when he says I'm beautiful, and he loves me the way I am, but I still never feel quite good enough. I let these people infect me SO completely that Everything I was and am needed approval of complete strangers in order to feel like I was worth anything, and even then I was better off if no one knew who I was, or that I was alive. I have a hard shell around me. I don't trust others with my feelings, and you have to try really hard to get to know me. The REAL me. The real me is terrified, and determined to fit into a little box that can stack neatly with all the other little boxes. So that's what shows. A neat little box, that gets neater all the time, and prays that no one will open the box and see what a mess is inside.

08 October 2011

Day 7 of 30

For the full list of 30 days of truth, click here

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is one of our engagement photos. Hubby has been the light of my life for the past three-plus years. He loves me unconditionally, even when I'm crazy. Which, if I were honest, I would have to admit that it was most of the time. When I'm feeling stressed he figures out what will calm me down and works hard to make sure thats done. When I feel like crying he makes me laugh.

More importantly he still looks at me the same way he did when he first met me. He never tires of telling me how beautiful I am, and with someone who has a history of low self esteem, that's oober important. He looks at me like he is amazed.

He is my best friend and my rock. He helps me be strong when I just want to break down and cry.

I love you Hubby!

21 August 2011

Day 6 of 30

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

wow. This is like what's your deepest fear and I feel somewhat exposed. But I promised the truth, and the truth is what I will give. To tell the truth about this I have to go back before I was even born.

I have two older sisters. Kendra is the one I know. She is an awesome big sister. The other one, Dionne, we don't talk about much. She only lived for about six weeks. When I was younger, I remember celebrating her birthday with angel food cake, because she was mommy's angel. My mom's heart stayed broken. She was always there for us, and was the best Mom in the world. Still is. If I'm feeling broken down she's there for me. But, I always wondered what would be different if my sister had lived.

So the thing I hope I never have to do is bury a child. I can't imagine the grief my mother went through. I mourn because we are having a hard time having a child and I don't know if I could handle having a baby in my arms, and looking at her angel face and knowing that they are mine, and having that child just gone. No parent should have to bury their child. I have a couple of friends who are angel mommies and I see how much they hurt. I pray that I NEVER EVER EVER have to bury a child.

18 August 2011

Day 5 of 30

For the full list of 30 days click here

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Wow the list goes on and on with this one. There really isn't enough hours in a day (or a week for that matter) to give a complete answer to this one. I hope for a lot of things.

My biggest hope right now, the thing I want most to do, is to be a mom. Not just to be a mom but to be a great mom. A mom who is at all of her kids performances, or games, or meets or whatever.

I want to be a soccer mom. I want to be there cheering for the little toots, and I want to be there when they get home from school and be able to help them with their homework. Except math (can we say tutor?) I want to read them stories and sing songs with them. I want to take them to church and teach them about Jesus, and about the wonderful plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.

I hope to be there when they say their first word, and take their first steps. All the wonderful firsts and even the crappy ones. I want to be there for them when they first have their heart broken, and when they first fall in love. I hope to be there when they find that one person who they want to spend eternity with. I WANT them to tell me they hate me (isn't that how you know your boundaries are working?) I want to be there every step of the way for the little nudgers, and I want it more than anything I can think of. I want it so bad it's hard to breath sometimes.

It's not something I have control over so I just have to be patient, and do my best to do my best with what I have. For now, I will be a loving aunt, sister, wife, daughter, cousin and granddaughter to those amazing people I call my family, and keep holding tight to hope.

15 August 2011

Day 4 of 30

For the full 30 day list click here

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I'm a grudge holder. I hate to say it. I hold on to grudges as hard as I hold on to friends. So join in my friends circle, and stay off my bad side.

This being said, there are a lot of things that I need to let go of, a lot of things I need to forgive.

I can remember exactly what was said in one instance, that cut me to the core. Two of the most popular boys in school were having a contest to see who could have the most girlfriends. One of them asked me out and I said no. They asked why and I said "Because I"m not stupid" meaning I thought they were making fun of me. I was eating lunch later that day and they both came to sit by me and began discussing this contest (like I wasn't there) and one of the boys turned to the other (the one who had asked me to be his girlfriend) and told him that he was obviously the winner because he couldn't even get 'her' to go out with him. Like I was low, desperate and pathetic.

Yeah that was in middle school, and I'm still holding on to this like it was this morning. Why do I do this??? They don't know. They probably don't even remember that conversation. It doesn't hurt them, they don't care. It only hurts me. That's how it is for most of the stuff I need to forgive. Letting go is a lot harder than holding on. It takes a strong person. I'm not strong. I'm just me. BUT I can become strong. One lost grudge at a time.

14 August 2011

Day 3 of 30

For the full 30 days of truth list click here

I NEVER said it would be 30 consecutive days did I? HA! so I'm busy....and tired.

Something I have to forgive myself for.

PCOS. It's not my fault, it's something I have to deal with and something that my body has. Yet I feel totally responsible for it. I don't know if I've always had it, or if my weight gain has caused it. You'd think that if that were the case, it would go away with weightloss.

News Flash. PCOS doesn't go away. On top of that it makes it almost impossible to loose wait, and very difficult to conceive. It's a vicious cycle and something I have to look myself in the face and tell myself over and over, this is not your fault. Forgive and move on. Do what you can to make things better, or make things work as best as I can.

It's not something I should HAVE to forgive myself for....but it is something I NEED to forgive myself for. Infertility sucks, especially when you know it's you.

08 August 2011

Day 2 of 30

For the full list of 30 days of truth, Click Here

Day 02

HA! I bet you thought I'd already forgotten. Nope, this is one of those things that is really hard to do. you see it's easy to pick on yourself, not so easy to brag about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Something I love about myself....

I love my loyalty. I am not an easy person to get to know. There are a lot of walls and I am quite guarded. I let very few people in entirely, but if you do manage to make it into my circle of trust, you have to do something pretty intense to get out of it, and even then it will probably take me years to realize that I've been damaged by it.

I'm not one who lets go of friends easily, and if I grow to love you I will fight for you until the day I die. I will protect you with my life. If I love you you are no longer just a friend, you are family, and NOTHING is more important to me than my family.

So I'm a little intense. It's part of who I am :) Deal with it. Or don't. It's up to you.

03 August 2011

Day 1 of 30

Click here for the entire 30 Days of Truth list.

Day 1

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Something I hate about insecurity. I hate that I can't be confident. I NEED validation. I can't just think, hey I wrote this story and it's pretty awesome. I have to show it off and have everyone tell me it's good before I believe it is.

It's not just my writing though. It's everything about me. My looks, my voice, my value as a person and a woman. I've had a lot of people tell me I'm beautiful. Hubby tells me at least twice a day. And yet I look in the mirror and I don't see it.

I see every flaw I have. Every pimple, every stray hair, every GRAY hair, every extra pound of Fat. It's like I have an ugly mask on and I can't see this person everybody keeps telling me about.

WHY is it so much easier to believe the bad stuff than it is to believe the good?

Maybe I should take a hint from Selena Gomez....

02 August 2011

30 days of truth

My friend Kim over at Live, Laugh, Love Your Guts is doing this. I thought it was cool, and since I'm a follower, I thought I'd follow suit. 30 days of absolute truth. I will tell you exactly what I think, and you can get a pretty good idea of who I am. If, after the 30 days you decide we are to ideologically different, I will not be offended if you unfollow me. unless you are family. Then I will be DEEPLY wounded. I may never recover.

30 Days of Truth

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Back to Friday Confessional


I confess....

That I have been super whiney this week. I've had good cause, but I kinda feel bad for everyone around me.

I confess.....

I haven't started packing yet. We move in one month and 4 days and the only things that are packed. It's like I think that if I just don't do it it will do itself. Where's Hermione when you need her???

I confess.....

I have decided I'm a stress junkie. If I'm not stressed, I'm asleep. I worry about everything. If I can't find something to worry about I worry about what's going to happen next. It's a problem I'm not sure how to fix.

I confess...

I can't remember anything. Seriously. I sit in front of the computer and will be typing and just forget what I was saying. I will reread the sentence about 20 times and still have no idea. It happens when I'm talking to and it drives Hubby nuts. Today I also lost my glasses.*sigh* It's gonna be one of those days.

22 July 2011

The sweetest husband in the world.

Noneya says
Your Eyes
Your mysterious eyes,
so deep, so hurt.
They draw me in,
and strip my soul of it's secrets.
Eyes so full of life,
full of fire,
full of passion,
and it burns me, fills me up.
I drink of it, and yet,
they are soft, so very kind;
Pools of liquid fire,
they ignite my desire.
I could drown in their tenderness.
Your mysterious eyes.

Adam Stephen Gale

Adam wrote me that poem before we got married. He's always been really good about being romantic.

So this past week has been bad. Like really bad. I was terrified that I was gonna lose my job and It's just been one thing after another. So Adam went out of his way to be good and kind and take care of me. Saturday morning I woke up to this:

The card plays "Lean on me." He was reminding me that I'm not in this on my own. How amazing is he? Thanks Hubby!!! I love you!

17 July 2011

Friday Confessional


I confess....

It's Adams birthday, and I don't have a gift for him. Not because I haven't thought about it, or I forgot. I've been thinking and worrying about it all month. Gifts are huge for me.

I confess....

We got the house near my parents!!!! We are super excited. Every penny we have is tied up in the move, and will be for the next fourish months. So hubby has to wait, but I hate it.

I confess....

I made a cake yesterday for hubby's birthday today. It's delish. I am JUST that awesome. I'm fixin to make a pasta salad tomorrow for hubby's family reunion. I'm excited. It should be a lot of fun. Hubby's Mom's Family is loud and crazy and fun. I am all over this. The kids should have a blast.

I confess.....

I haven't o'd yet. I was expecting it to happen 5 days after finishing clomid. Maybe that wasn't realistic. I'm crossing my fingers that my body is just behind schedule. It would be awesome if I could be preggo before we move!

08 July 2011

Iiiiiiiits FRIDAY (confessional)


I confess....

We are taking a spur-o-the-moment trip down to southern Utah. To look at a house down there. Not to buy (yet) but definitely to rent. It's perfect....from what we know.

I keep waiting for the "other shoe to drop" Something that's gonna be SERIOUSLY wrong. The house is three bedroom two bath. Two blocks from my sister and four from my parents. I would be in my sister's ward. There's no yard car because the house is landscaped with rocks. There's an RV pad on the side. It's within our price range. The landlord is amazing. Sooo when things are to good to be true they usually what exactly is wrong with his.

I confess.....

I'm more excited than I should be about this. The trip the house....everything. We haven't been approved yet, but ummm...yeah.

I confess....

I'm not excited about trying to pack all of our belongings into a 16 foot trailer. Last time we had a 24' but there was about 4 feet extra room. It's gonna be tiiiiiiiiiiiight. But in the end it will be worth it. We will have gotten rid of a lot of stuff and be in a house (hopefully).

01 July 2011

The sweetest man in the world

Because I am going through progesterone withdraw (don't worry it's doctor prescribed) It's been a rough week with a lot of emotions and pain has ended up with me curled up in the fetal position crying more than once.

Adam has been so amazing to take care of me. His teasing has dropped to a minimum, which is hard for him, I know. I haven't had to cook once this week. When I dropped my mango pineapple smoothie and lost about 2/3 of it he offered to share his shake with me. Now Most of you don't know this, but Adam has pretty much give up sweets entirely. He hardly ever even drinks soda, but he indulged yesterday. And because I was about to cry because I was just that frustrated, he was gonna share his treat with me.

Because of everything, I'm not sleeping well. I wake up and walk around the house or take a bath two or three times a night (a hot pad would be awesome right now) and I'm so tired when I go to work I can hardly keep my eyes open. This morning it was even worse because I had to get up early to make sure I got everything done before I went into work. Well I woke up and showered and went to get some clean clothes out of the dryer and I saw a Krispy Kreme "Doughnuts Hot Now" sign on my door. I first thought, that's such a mean thing to do. Because Adam once told me that he would happily get me pictures of a doughnut. So I walked by in a huff, and then remembered all that he's done this week so I detoured into the office and found some fresh as you can get them at 7:30 AM Krispy Kreme doughnut holes on my desk. I went in and kissed my sleeping husband on the head.

I got cross with him the other day and told him he's not the one who has to take all the pills and go through all this garbage to have a kid...He looked at me really sad and said "No, I just have to watch you go through it, and there's nothing I can do to help"

How did I end up with such a sweet, kind, loving, supportive, fun (I could go on and on) and HOT husband???? (you should see his muscles.....drool) I am truly blessed.

Adam, you are an amazing man to put up me like this. Thank you. And I love you for ever and ever and ever and NEVER EVER STOP!!!!

25 June 2011

Another friday confessional


I confess....

I thought when I was done with progesterone I would stop being ornery. SURPRISE!!!! No. Now I'm even more ornery...and in Pain. And out of Twix. Adam is hiding from me because I've turned from THIS:

Into this:

and within seconds this:

It's intense. Poor Adam. Pity him. There is nothing he can do when these "fits" start. And I'm not even pregnant yet. Yikes.

I confess....

I have a strong desire to go camping....random, I know. But I've been aching to be outside. I spend so much time inside for work that I just want to be outside. Camping, and bon fire. Roasting Hot Dogs and marshmallows. mmmm....smores.

24 June 2011

Friday Confessional


I confess....

I will be super glad when the progesterone is done.
I feel like garbage and my impulse control is very low.

I confess....

I can't wait to start clomid. I just have this know like it won't be too much longer until I can feel a little nudger swimming around and doing acrobatics in my belly.

I confess...

I was a little relieved when Adam asked me not to come with him to the state delegate's meeting tomorrow. There is some high tension legislation being voted on. I'm worried about his safety. Keep him in your prayers!

I confess...

I can't wait to move. I'm tired of being cold. We still aren't positive about where we are going to move, but we have a good idea.

I confess....

If I didn't have to work this morning I would be going back to bed. No lie. Well I don't think I would be out of bed. Yes....I am that tired.

Soooo.....what's your confession?

17 June 2011

Baby Hold On....

For those of you who don't know Adam and I have been trying to have a baby pretty much since we got married. We haven't had any success. A great thank you to my Doctor, Jill Faatz, MD, I was finally dosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). So we had somewhere to go. A path we could take. I was also diagnosed, you may or may not remember, with type 2 diabetes. So to kill two birds with one stone we started on Metformin (glucophage). So my blood sugar quickly improved (with the help of diet and exercises), but the Metformin wasn't giving us the results we wanted. So back to Dr. F. She gave me a choice this time. My blood sugar is good enough that she asked if I wanted to start on clomid, or if I wanted to keep going with the Metformin.

Well, if you know me, I'm patient, but I've been waiting a long time. I shyly begged for the clomid which we filled yesterday. But before we can get to the clomid we have to go through the (dun dun dun) progesterone phase. Not everyone understands what this means. Let me tell you. It turns a perfectly lovely, normal, fun to be around person from this:

Into this:

Ornery, sensitive, bloated, cranky and generally unpleasant to be around. Sorry Adam, I do love you. Doc told us this would happen, and I should cut myself some slack. Who's gonna cut Adam some slack? He's told me that he's going to carry around twixes and open them like a grenade and throw it at me, and then run, if I got too ornery. I laughed...and kind of hoped he was serious. yummmm chocolate. So if this all goes down the way it's supposed to, Adam will still be alive, and fairly unscathed, I will have my chocolate and we will come out the other side with a cute little human addition to our family.

Wish us luck!

12 June 2011



I confess....

I went to the doctor yesterday and pretty much begged her for Clomid. I've been thinking about it for months. We can't get to Walmart (which is the only affordable place since it's not covered by insurance) until tomorrow, so I will start progesterone pills on Sunday.

I confess....

I'm absolutely terrified. I'm dying to have a baby, and I can't wait to be pregnant. It's the giving birth part that really scares me. I have all these 'what ifs' in my brain.

What if I'm not a good mom?
What if I'm not REALLY ready for this?
What if it's TWINS??? (There is a higher likelihood since I'm older AND taking Clomid)
What if I can't deal with the pain of childbirth?
What if it DOESN'T work?

And yes, I am a worry wart.

I confess....

I'm not really looking forward to the progesterone part either. 10 days of bloating, moodiness, weight gain and all that other stuff that comes with PMS. So there will probably be a lot of crying. Sounds fun, right? Adam has told me he will be keeping bits of chocolate with him to throw at me when I get too crazy. I think he may end up trying to sleep through most of it. I know I want to.

10 June 2011

Another friday confessional


I confess...

I hate Fridays. Really. They are my hardest day of work. I have more to do and less time to do it in. I looked at the steam coming off the pool and almost called in sick today. I REALLY don't want to be at work. Confessing is the best part of my day.

I confess...

After eating no sugar and very little fat for the past 10 days Adam and I went to Golden Corall last night. My body is not happy. My tongue was VERY happy. It was super yummy. But I'm not sure it was worth the gut wrenching pain that has been my life ever since.

I confess...

Without Adam I would be lost. I would never work out, I would eat whatever I wanted and I would be super hard on myself. He is kind and loving and wonderful. I love that he not only protects me from the outside world, but he protects me from me, when I'm being awful to myself. He is fabulous and I'm sure I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

03 June 2011

friday confessional


If I only blog once a week it's the Friday confessional hummm....

-I confess I did the hardest workout I've ever done this week.
-It only lasted 10 minutes. But it as 10 minutes of pain.
-I can already see more definition in my arms and legs.

-I confess I ate toast this morning....and it made me sick.
-What the....I thought toast was supposed to make your stomach settle?

-I confess that I'm a whiner. Seriously
-Ask my husband.
-When I have to eat a protein bar I Wail loudly. They are awful
-I've considered actually PRETENDING to eat them and just throwing them away
-Like I'm 5
-The only reason I haven't is my hubby is a good sport, and has been eating veggies
-He hates veggies.
-Well He used to.He's now informed me he likes broccli, califlower and snow peas. He will eat Asparagus but is not a huge fan.

-I confess I need to take it easy. Anybody have good stress relieving ideas?
-I'm gonna have an ulcer if I don't chill out.

27 May 2011

friday confessional


*I confess that I am a stress magnet. I worry about everything
*Its true. It's a problem
*My blood sugar was 150
* I was having a panic attack so I took an ativan
*My blood sugar went down to 89
*gotta control this stress...gotta get back to exercising and maybe do some meditating.

*I confess that over the last month and a half I've lost 20.6 pounds.
*I hate dieting. So I'm not. I'm changing my eating habits permanently.

*I confess that because I've been working an insane amount of hours I haven't done a REAL work out in almost 2 weeks. It makes me cry.
* My legs are upset at me, they ache and want to get on the treadmill
* Maybe...instead of grocery shopping I will do that tonight....

20 May 2011

Reunion Rewind

Family Reunion 2011 just did a quick video.

Hope you enjoy! If you want any of the pictures (family) then let me know and I will email them.

16 May 2011

Another reunion post

I found more of my pictures. This is mostly for my fam, this is from the temple grounds and the park. Family, if you want any pictures just let me know and I will email them to you.

15 May 2011

The Re-education of Christy G or a call to love myself

I have not always been a huge fan of me. Sometimes, I am really hard on myself. I'm not thin enough, not all of my hair got dyed, my house isn't clean enough, I hardly ever wear makeup the list can go on and on. But why do that to myself. What's the point? It doesn't change anything. In Fact, most of the time it makes things worse.

I have at LEAST as many good qualities as I do bad. I am an awesome aunt, a good daughter, a loving wife. I am an excellent photographer, I sing and act well. All in all I'm a pretty cool person. I love laughing. So WHY is it, that for so long, I dread getting up and looking in the mirror? I sit and sulk cuz maybe I haven't been to church in a few weeks?

For so long I have been told I am not good enough. And I let myself believe it. Can you imagine?? I let other people dictate how I feel about myself. How lame is that? Who is in control here??? So I'm done. I'm done with hearing the bad and letting it sink in. I'm done with being guilted, because I don't look a certain way.

For the first time in my life I am proud to be me. I'm proud that I have lost 19 pounds. I'm proud that I'm doing it without the aid of herbs or radical diets or pills or anything. Me and Hubby are doing it. Portion control and exercise. I'm proud that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I'm proud to be smart. It is something that I should celebrate, not hide to make others feel more comfortable around me. I want to make one thing very clear. I am not losing weight to conform, because I don't want to look like another robot. I enjoy being different. I am losing weight because I need to be healthy. Period. The end.

This journey, the one I'm not only taking with food, but to love myself...I've learned somethings on this path. Some awesome things.

1. I am freaking awesome. I just am.

2. Healthy food doesn't have to be boring, monotonous or gross. It can be awesome.

3. Exercise is fun. I like walking. I like running to, I just can't do it for very long yet.

4. I can't hide from who I am, and I won't do it anymore. Because who I am is awesome (see #1)

5. I can do anything I put my mind to. Sometimes it takes hard work, but that only makes it more worth it in the end.

I'm sure there are more things but I'm out of time for now. Just remember I am find out who awesome you are. Share the love. Peace.

12 May 2011

friday confessional


I confess:

- The week of mothers day is really hard
- because I wanna be a mom so badly
- BUT I have the most awesome nieces and nephews in the world
- and sometimes I feel like a second mom because,
- yes I love them that much.

-I confess I went to Wendy's last night and completely- blew my diet
-I had good intentions. Baked potato and a salad
- but once I got in there, the smell of the french fries....
- and the burgers...*drools a little* I've been wanting a cheeseburger for awhile now.
- So I had one. And now I feel guilty.
- but it was good. And worth it.
- And now I'm back to my diet.....

06 May 2011

Good times...

It's been an amazing few months. (gac! months!) So I wanted to post some pictures and tell everybody how awesome my family is. These are from a hike we took towards the beginning of our family reunion. I got lazy with my camera but it was fun. There was swimming, and hiking and pictures and boy was there food. It was amazing.

There was also my anniversary last month. Three years. The wonderful, hard, happy, fun blissful years with the man I love more than anything. He's so wonderful. He tells me day after day how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He is special, smart, talented, kind, caring and soooo many other things. We spent the night in Midway at the world mark and had all kind of fun and food. I love that man!

01 May 2011

Family Reunion

So in March we had a family reunion. It was fun we spent a few days in Saint George.

29 April 2011

My life is good.

I have been posting a lot of negative stuff lately. I wanted to just take a moment to say how happy I am. I feel better than I've felt in a long time, and I am VERY happy. I have an amazing husband, a good job and a supportive family. I love my workouts and I'm really grateful that I have been able to become the person I am. While I know I am imperfect, I believe I am a good person. That is due, in no small part, to the trials I've experienced, so I'm even grateful for those. In Short....

05 April 2011

The Thursday Followup

Well I did go to the doctor on Thursday and it went really well. One test said I had mild diabetes, and the other said I was pre-diabetic. I know that doesn't sound like good news, but it is. Because if I lose weight it will most likely go away. I will of course have to be careful the rest of my life, and when I finally do get pregnant I will get gestational diabetes, but I can live a normal life. I can beat it! It may have been the only way I could have ever found the motivation to lose weight. This is the last of the posts I will write here about this, until I am declared non-diabetic. If your interested in my progress then you can head over to my weight loss blog:

27 March 2011

Life Changing Events

There are things that happen throughout your life that alter your course. Things like marriage, death, birth, moving, losing your job, getting a new job and....diagnosis. One of these things happened to me today. Guess which one.

I went into the doctor as a followup since they changed my medication. For those of you who don't know, I have clinical depression, due to a chemical imbalance. Dr. F. Changed my medication because what I was on just wasn't working anymore. She's awesome. We talked about getting me on clomid, so that we could usher in another life changing event. She decided to start me with Metformin, or gluophage, since that's what they generally start people with Polycystic Ovarian Sydrome (PCOS) on to induce pregnancy. I'm not diagnosed with that but she said she wanted to treat me that way. This must have got her thinking. She said she wanted to test my blood sugar and asked when the last time I ate anything was. Dinner last night was the last thing I ate and I told her so.

So she asked me to jump back on the table and had the nurse come in and prick my finger and take a few drops of the precious blood that keeps me alive. She took it and spun it around, and did I don't know what all. We waited for about 10 minutes and Dr. F. came back in. I held Adam's hand and she told me I have Diabetes.

The world stopped for three heartbeats, and the words rang in my ears. Tears just started rolling down my face. She gave me a second and then started asking some questions. She wanted me to get some blood work done, just to confirm her diagnosis.

So now.....we wait. I have another doctors appointment on Thursday to get some more information, and get a final diagnosis. Right now I am just full of fear. All I have are questions. Thursday can not come soon enough.

22 March 2011

Feelin'.....Not so groovy.

Ok, so I try to keep my blog positive, and my personal life, well....personal. I'm feeling a little...pressured. You see, I turn 31 in a few days. I have taken stock of my life several times. I realize that I have an amazing life. I have a sweet dog, and an amazing husband. I have a comfortable apartment and TWO amazing families that love me, both mine and my husbands. I have the gospel, and a job that pays the bills. I realize that's amazing, and I realize its WAY more than a lot of people have, and don't get me wrong, I am completely grateful.

In all this amazing wonder that is my life, I feel like there is something missing. A very small something that would change my life in a very big way. A very tiny...more of someone than something. I am watching people my age with four or five kids, and women younger than me, on their second or third. I watch everyone around me growing their families, and I feel....stuck. I feel like I'm being left behind, like I'm not whole. It's hard. People who have never struggled with infertility can not possibly understand. Everything is about families. Everywhere. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, the advertising business is even capitalizing on the fact that families seem to be growing. Everyone, except mine. I am so excited when I hear about people who are having babies....I really couldn't be more excited for them. But I get so envious sometimes I get sick to my stomach. My heart is broken. I know there are others in my same boat, but sometimes it feels like I'm drifting on a raft in the middle of the ocean. There's no way to steer, and it feels like the ocean stretches on forever, and the horizon just holds more ocean. At least I have someone in this big boat with me. Thanks Adam for being my life raft.

17 February 2011

The first Christmas night

I was thinking, as I so often do, while I was lying in bed, trying desperately sink into the sweet oblivion of dreamless sleep.  I was thinking about that first Christmas and the angels and the shepherds.  Mostly about the angels.  Their song and how joyful and triumphant it must have been.  How loud and engaging it must have been.  Then I had to stop and think,  if it was really as many angels as I imagine, it would have been a song that rang around the world.  How could people not hear it. How could it not be heard by every ear...and my thought was disrupted yet again. Every ear.  You must have ears to hear and a heart to understand.  That song, that I imagine rang around the world, would have been heard by those with a believing heart.  Those who heard the song, that sweet song of triumph, were paying attention.

That led to more thinking, yes I think a lot at night, what sweet songs of the angles am I missing, are we all missing, because we are distracted.  Distracted by our search for money, or recreation or ANYTHING.  I feel like if I"m not doing three things at once, I am wasting time.  At work I have music playing in the background, while I do three other things.  Even right now I'm watching a moving, chatting with my husband, surfing the web and writing on my blog.  Where is the time for silence, for listening to that quiet voice.  You know the still small one that tells you right from wrong and gives you direction.  We..I need to set time aside for quiet meditation. For listening. For reading peacefully. For my Heavenly Father, so I don't miss out on any more choirs of angles singing, and heralding  the  miracles of our day. 

06 January 2011

101 Things updated

Wonder where I'm at with this?

  1. Learn to play all of the hymns in the hymn book Working on it
  2. Pay Tithing on every paycheck 0/72 (if my math is correct) Have to start over on this one
  3. Finish my novel My computer crashed so I have to start over and I haven't yet.
  4. Paint my windows for each major holiday (Christmas, New Years, Valentines day, Independence day, St Patrick's day, April Fools Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving) 1/20 My windows are no longr visable so I think I'm cutting this one out.
  5. Learn to play all the songs in the Children's Hymn book
  6. Attend the temple at least once a month 0/35 Changing this to attend church every week. 
  7. Write on my blog once a week 1/143 So we all know I'm not doing this one so well :)
  8. Exercise three times a week each week. Two words....EPIC FAIL
  9. Keep a journal daily 0/1001 Time to start up on this again
  10. Daily personal scripture study 0/1001 Time to start up on this again
  11. Daily family scripture study 0/1001 Time to start up on this again
  12. Make pillows for my couch Took a couple of sewing lessons from my mom. I think I'm ready to try this one. 
  13. Try a new recipe every week 0/143 I've tried a lot! Sadly I haven't kept track of how many new  recipies I've tried. I'd bet it's at least 60 though.
  14. Reach my goal weight
  15. Get a family portrait Two thirds done. Gone one of the Smith side and the Gale side (thanks to the weddings) Now I need one of Adam, Herc and I. 
  16. Get new chairs for the dining room not done yet. Luckily this is only a once thing.
  17. Get a dresser DONE! Thanks Mom and Dad for your help on this one
  18. House train my puppy He knows where to go and tries REALLY REALLY hard not to have accidents. 
  19. Practice Piano daily 1/1001 Our keyboard is in place for it. We need to find a place!
  20. Spend at least 20 minutes a day cleaning house (excluding vacations) 0/1001 Epic Fail. Time to start trying again. :)
  21. Read 100 new books 0/100 I think I'm at 6.  I need to read shorter books. 
  22. Read the entire Ensign every month 0/35 Need to do this too!
  23. Pray each morning 1/1001
  24. Take my nieces and nephews sledding Looking forward to that with 2 feet of snow. 
  25. Quit swearing I think I've gotten worse! I need a swear jar. 
  26. Prepare 72 hour kits for each member of the family (0/2)
  27. Fill all the soda pop bottles that I have been saving with water  Threw them all away in the move. 
  28. Put $5 into a jar for me for every task completed (0/101)
  29. Submit a picture I've taken to a magazine for publication
  30. Get eyes checked
  31. Print and frame at least one of my own nature photographs
  32. Piece and tie a quilt
  33. Start a Gratitude Journal
  34. Visit a new state
  35. Wear makeup daily 1/1001 Forgot how much better I feel about myself when I wear it! Gonna start again. 
  36. Go camping for a weekend
  37. Do something for a neighbor
  38. Donate to friends of scouting
  39. Plant a garden with different kinds of veggies than I've grown before  Corn and watermelon cucumbers! It was awesome! I miss gardening. 
  40. Make a list of 100 things I like about myself
  41. Make a list of 100 reasons I love my husband and give it to him
  42. Tell Adam I love him every day 1/1001
  43. Complete a "100 Things that Make me Happy"list.
  44. Write Jeremiah every week for the rest of his mission 0/35  Jeremiah's home. Think I can do makeup?
  45. Make 3 new friends
  46. Put away part of each paycheck into my savings account
  47. Get a new car
  48. Do my hair every day 1/1001
  49. Have PERSONAL prayer on a daily basis
  50. Get out of Debt
  51. Learn a new language Working on Spanish and fixin to start learning sign language. 
  52. Start a business have a website...and a facebook page. But I haven't done a lot with it. 
  53. Create a website for my business
  54. Start a photo blog and post to it daily
  55. Go on a romantic weekend getaway with my husband
  56. Sew something I can wear
  57. Try a new restaurant every month or until we have eaten at all the restaurants in Cedar City(0/35)   We moved from Cedar City but I've tried all but one of the restaurants in heber,
  58. Read books by 15 new authors 0/15 Workin on it! Three!
  59. Have a fireworks display with my family
  60. Go to a parade with my husband  4th of July parade in Cedar City.
  61. Go on a hike with my husband
  62. Watch 10 inspirational movies 0/10
  63. Send out Christmas cards
  64. Donate 100 items to DI
  65. Only drink soda once a week
  66. Take a vacation
  67. Complete and frame a cross stitch
  68. Go to a play
  69. Do something I'm scared of
  70. Send a Christmas letter to family and friends
  71. Bake and decorate 12 cakes 0/12
  72. Attend a renaissance festival   Briefly went to one in Cedar City it was fun
  73. Give $5 to charity for each goal I don't complete
  74. Get a hutch and display the wedding stuff we have
  75. Submit a poem for publishing
  76. Have a family home evening lesson twice a month 0/71
  77. Have a picnic at a park
  78. Go to the kings feast at Excalibur in Las Vegas
  79. Comment on 3 blogs a month that I read 0/105
  80. Have 3 Girls Night Outs (0/3)
  81. Learn a new word a day 0/1001
  82. Build a snowman  Last winter with Link Shaunie and Gager
  83. Have a snowball fight Last winter with Link Shaunie and Gager
  84. Take a daily multivitamin 1/1001
  85. Put my blog in a book format
  86. Go snorkeling
  87. Clean bathroom once a week
  88. Get bookshelves and display Our books (this may take mroe than one set of bookshelves)
  89. Call my sisters once a week (0/143)
  90. Write a letter to each of my nieces and nephews letting them know why they are special to me.
  91. refinish my vanity and get it out of my parents house
  92. Go on a bike ride with my husband
  93. Learn how to play chess
  94. Have an outdoor movie night
  95. Bake a pie from scratch  Pumpkin Pie this thanksgiving!  It was yummy apparently
  96. Take a picture for each letter of the alphabet I'm up to U!
  97. Learn to say thank you and your welcome in 10 languages
  98. Donate 5 gifts to toys for tots
  99. Have Kendra and Golden and Mom and Dad over for a game night three times 0/3
  100. Learn how to make jam
  101. start the whole mess over again

01 January 2011