Day 8 of 30

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I bet you thought I'd forgotten about this. You did?! Well I didn't forget. Quite the opposite in fact. I've been thinking about this post for a long time. It's probably the most difficult one on the list, partly because there are so many emotions tied to it. Shame, Rage, frustration. Did I mention shame?

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.

It's a struggle. Something I've been dealing with for a long time. I don't know how to write about it, and so this post might suck, but oh well. I'm not getting paid to do this, it's just the random thoughts of a rambling woman.

Everyone you come in contact with has the potential to make your life difficult. Sometimes it's your choice to let them sometimes it's not. I think the thing that I allowed to make my live crappy was bullies. They come from everywhere, and it dosen't matter who you are 97% of people either were a bully, have seen someone bullied or were the victim. I was the latter, and I let myself continue to be one for a long time. I'm still trying to overcome the taunts I heard, both from people I really cared about and people I really disliked. In high school I was 5' 8'' and weight in at approximately 165. I was a little bit chubby, but I don't think I would have considered myself fat, had I not been told that's what I was. I had little to no self esteem, a problem which I still struggle with. The echos of tubo, tub of lard, lardo, whale lady and every other "fat" name you can think of still ring in my ears at night.

I try to believe my husband when he says I'm beautiful, and he loves me the way I am, but I still never feel quite good enough. I let these people infect me SO completely that Everything I was and am needed approval of complete strangers in order to feel like I was worth anything, and even then I was better off if no one knew who I was, or that I was alive. I have a hard shell around me. I don't trust others with my feelings, and you have to try really hard to get to know me. The REAL me. The real me is terrified, and determined to fit into a little box that can stack neatly with all the other little boxes. So that's what shows. A neat little box, that gets neater all the time, and prays that no one will open the box and see what a mess is inside.

08 October 2011