Day 7 of 30

For the full list of 30 days of truth, click here

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is one of our engagement photos. Hubby has been the light of my life for the past three-plus years. He loves me unconditionally, even when I'm crazy. Which, if I were honest, I would have to admit that it was most of the time. When I'm feeling stressed he figures out what will calm me down and works hard to make sure thats done. When I feel like crying he makes me laugh.

More importantly he still looks at me the same way he did when he first met me. He never tires of telling me how beautiful I am, and with someone who has a history of low self esteem, that's oober important. He looks at me like he is amazed.

He is my best friend and my rock. He helps me be strong when I just want to break down and cry.

I love you Hubby!

21 August 2011

Day 6 of 30

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

wow. This is like what's your deepest fear and I feel somewhat exposed. But I promised the truth, and the truth is what I will give. To tell the truth about this I have to go back before I was even born.

I have two older sisters. Kendra is the one I know. She is an awesome big sister. The other one, Dionne, we don't talk about much. She only lived for about six weeks. When I was younger, I remember celebrating her birthday with angel food cake, because she was mommy's angel. My mom's heart stayed broken. She was always there for us, and was the best Mom in the world. Still is. If I'm feeling broken down she's there for me. But, I always wondered what would be different if my sister had lived.

So the thing I hope I never have to do is bury a child. I can't imagine the grief my mother went through. I mourn because we are having a hard time having a child and I don't know if I could handle having a baby in my arms, and looking at her angel face and knowing that they are mine, and having that child just gone. No parent should have to bury their child. I have a couple of friends who are angel mommies and I see how much they hurt. I pray that I NEVER EVER EVER have to bury a child.

18 August 2011

Day 5 of 30

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Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Wow the list goes on and on with this one. There really isn't enough hours in a day (or a week for that matter) to give a complete answer to this one. I hope for a lot of things.

My biggest hope right now, the thing I want most to do, is to be a mom. Not just to be a mom but to be a great mom. A mom who is at all of her kids performances, or games, or meets or whatever.

I want to be a soccer mom. I want to be there cheering for the little toots, and I want to be there when they get home from school and be able to help them with their homework. Except math (can we say tutor?) I want to read them stories and sing songs with them. I want to take them to church and teach them about Jesus, and about the wonderful plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.

I hope to be there when they say their first word, and take their first steps. All the wonderful firsts and even the crappy ones. I want to be there for them when they first have their heart broken, and when they first fall in love. I hope to be there when they find that one person who they want to spend eternity with. I WANT them to tell me they hate me (isn't that how you know your boundaries are working?) I want to be there every step of the way for the little nudgers, and I want it more than anything I can think of. I want it so bad it's hard to breath sometimes.

It's not something I have control over so I just have to be patient, and do my best to do my best with what I have. For now, I will be a loving aunt, sister, wife, daughter, cousin and granddaughter to those amazing people I call my family, and keep holding tight to hope.

15 August 2011

Day 4 of 30

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Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I'm a grudge holder. I hate to say it. I hold on to grudges as hard as I hold on to friends. So join in my friends circle, and stay off my bad side.

This being said, there are a lot of things that I need to let go of, a lot of things I need to forgive.

I can remember exactly what was said in one instance, that cut me to the core. Two of the most popular boys in school were having a contest to see who could have the most girlfriends. One of them asked me out and I said no. They asked why and I said "Because I"m not stupid" meaning I thought they were making fun of me. I was eating lunch later that day and they both came to sit by me and began discussing this contest (like I wasn't there) and one of the boys turned to the other (the one who had asked me to be his girlfriend) and told him that he was obviously the winner because he couldn't even get 'her' to go out with him. Like I was low, desperate and pathetic.

Yeah that was in middle school, and I'm still holding on to this like it was this morning. Why do I do this??? They don't know. They probably don't even remember that conversation. It doesn't hurt them, they don't care. It only hurts me. That's how it is for most of the stuff I need to forgive. Letting go is a lot harder than holding on. It takes a strong person. I'm not strong. I'm just me. BUT I can become strong. One lost grudge at a time.

14 August 2011

Day 3 of 30

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I NEVER said it would be 30 consecutive days did I? HA! so I'm busy....and tired.

Something I have to forgive myself for.

PCOS. It's not my fault, it's something I have to deal with and something that my body has. Yet I feel totally responsible for it. I don't know if I've always had it, or if my weight gain has caused it. You'd think that if that were the case, it would go away with weightloss.

News Flash. PCOS doesn't go away. On top of that it makes it almost impossible to loose wait, and very difficult to conceive. It's a vicious cycle and something I have to look myself in the face and tell myself over and over, this is not your fault. Forgive and move on. Do what you can to make things better, or make things work as best as I can.

It's not something I should HAVE to forgive myself for....but it is something I NEED to forgive myself for. Infertility sucks, especially when you know it's you.

08 August 2011

Day 2 of 30

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Day 02

HA! I bet you thought I'd already forgotten. Nope, this is one of those things that is really hard to do. you see it's easy to pick on yourself, not so easy to brag about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Something I love about myself....

I love my loyalty. I am not an easy person to get to know. There are a lot of walls and I am quite guarded. I let very few people in entirely, but if you do manage to make it into my circle of trust, you have to do something pretty intense to get out of it, and even then it will probably take me years to realize that I've been damaged by it.

I'm not one who lets go of friends easily, and if I grow to love you I will fight for you until the day I die. I will protect you with my life. If I love you you are no longer just a friend, you are family, and NOTHING is more important to me than my family.

So I'm a little intense. It's part of who I am :) Deal with it. Or don't. It's up to you.

03 August 2011

Day 1 of 30

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Day 1

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Something I hate about insecurity. I hate that I can't be confident. I NEED validation. I can't just think, hey I wrote this story and it's pretty awesome. I have to show it off and have everyone tell me it's good before I believe it is.

It's not just my writing though. It's everything about me. My looks, my voice, my value as a person and a woman. I've had a lot of people tell me I'm beautiful. Hubby tells me at least twice a day. And yet I look in the mirror and I don't see it.

I see every flaw I have. Every pimple, every stray hair, every GRAY hair, every extra pound of Fat. It's like I have an ugly mask on and I can't see this person everybody keeps telling me about.

WHY is it so much easier to believe the bad stuff than it is to believe the good?

Maybe I should take a hint from Selena Gomez....

02 August 2011

30 days of truth

My friend Kim over at Live, Laugh, Love Your Guts is doing this. I thought it was cool, and since I'm a follower, I thought I'd follow suit. 30 days of absolute truth. I will tell you exactly what I think, and you can get a pretty good idea of who I am. If, after the 30 days you decide we are to ideologically different, I will not be offended if you unfollow me. unless you are family. Then I will be DEEPLY wounded. I may never recover.

30 Days of Truth

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself