Day 10 of 30

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Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

This isn't really a fair question. I don't know. Maybe it is. But generally if I need to let someone go, I do. I can't think of anyone who is actually IN my life that shouldn't be here. It is what it is.

18 October 2011

Day 9 of 30

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Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

To everything there is a season. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but things are what they are. I believe that people come into your life for a specific purpose. It's part of your experience to make you who you need to be. You react to them and love them while they are there, and try to learn from them. Hold tight if you want to keep them, if you can't keep them, thank Heavenly Father for the time they were there.

There are friends that I've drifted from, whom I still love dearly, that if we were to sit down, I honesty believe that we could just pick up where we left off. There are others that it's so awkward with, it's hard to believe we were ever friends. But if your reading this your more likely in that first category, and I love you for it!

11 October 2011

Day 8 of 30

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I bet you thought I'd forgotten about this. You did?! Well I didn't forget. Quite the opposite in fact. I've been thinking about this post for a long time. It's probably the most difficult one on the list, partly because there are so many emotions tied to it. Shame, Rage, frustration. Did I mention shame?

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.

It's a struggle. Something I've been dealing with for a long time. I don't know how to write about it, and so this post might suck, but oh well. I'm not getting paid to do this, it's just the random thoughts of a rambling woman.

Everyone you come in contact with has the potential to make your life difficult. Sometimes it's your choice to let them sometimes it's not. I think the thing that I allowed to make my live crappy was bullies. They come from everywhere, and it dosen't matter who you are 97% of people either were a bully, have seen someone bullied or were the victim. I was the latter, and I let myself continue to be one for a long time. I'm still trying to overcome the taunts I heard, both from people I really cared about and people I really disliked. In high school I was 5' 8'' and weight in at approximately 165. I was a little bit chubby, but I don't think I would have considered myself fat, had I not been told that's what I was. I had little to no self esteem, a problem which I still struggle with. The echos of tubo, tub of lard, lardo, whale lady and every other "fat" name you can think of still ring in my ears at night.

I try to believe my husband when he says I'm beautiful, and he loves me the way I am, but I still never feel quite good enough. I let these people infect me SO completely that Everything I was and am needed approval of complete strangers in order to feel like I was worth anything, and even then I was better off if no one knew who I was, or that I was alive. I have a hard shell around me. I don't trust others with my feelings, and you have to try really hard to get to know me. The REAL me. The real me is terrified, and determined to fit into a little box that can stack neatly with all the other little boxes. So that's what shows. A neat little box, that gets neater all the time, and prays that no one will open the box and see what a mess is inside.

08 October 2011