Feelin'.....Not so groovy.

Ok, so I try to keep my blog positive, and my personal life, well....personal. I'm feeling a little...pressured. You see, I turn 31 in a few days. I have taken stock of my life several times. I realize that I have an amazing life. I have a sweet dog, and an amazing husband. I have a comfortable apartment and TWO amazing families that love me, both mine and my husbands. I have the gospel, and a job that pays the bills. I realize that's amazing, and I realize its WAY more than a lot of people have, and don't get me wrong, I am completely grateful.

In all this amazing wonder that is my life, I feel like there is something missing. A very small something that would change my life in a very big way. A very tiny...more of someone than something. I am watching people my age with four or five kids, and women younger than me, on their second or third. I watch everyone around me growing their families, and I feel....stuck. I feel like I'm being left behind, like I'm not whole. It's hard. People who have never struggled with infertility can not possibly understand. Everything is about families. Everywhere. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, the advertising business is even capitalizing on the fact that families seem to be growing. Everyone, except mine. I am so excited when I hear about people who are having babies....I really couldn't be more excited for them. But I get so envious sometimes I get sick to my stomach. My heart is broken. I know there are others in my same boat, but sometimes it feels like I'm drifting on a raft in the middle of the ocean. There's no way to steer, and it feels like the ocean stretches on forever, and the horizon just holds more ocean. At least I have someone in this big boat with me. Thanks Adam for being my life raft.

17 February 2011

1 Comment:

Heather said...

I know there is nothing I can say to make things "ok/better" but I want to tell you I LOVE YOU! you are in our prayers! We didn't struggle as long as you have, but it took us over a year, and that year was hard. Know that people love you. Heavenly Father loves you and things happen in due time.