Ok, so I try to keep my blog positive, and my personal life, well....personal. I'm feeling a little...pressured. You see, I turn 31 in a few days. I have taken stock of my life several times. I realize that I have an amazing life. I have a sweet dog, and an amazing husband. I have a comfortable apartment and TWO amazing families that love me, both mine and my husbands. I have the gospel, and a job that pays the bills. I realize that's amazing, and I realize its WAY more than a lot of people have, and don't get me wrong, I am completely grateful.
In all this amazing wonder that is my life, I feel like there is something missing. A very small something that would change my life in a very big way. A very tiny...more of someone than something. I am watching people my age with four or five kids, and women younger than me, on their second or third. I watch everyone around me growing their families, and I feel....stuck. I feel like I'm being left behind, like I'm not whole. It's hard. People who have never struggled with infertility can not possibly understand. Everything is about families. Everywhere. It doesn't seem to matter what it is, the advertising business is even capitalizing on the fact that families seem to be growing. Everyone, except mine. I am so excited when I hear about people who are having babies....I really couldn't be more excited for them. But I get so envious sometimes I get sick to my stomach. My heart is broken. I know there are others in my same boat, but sometimes it feels like I'm drifting on a raft in the middle of the ocean. There's no way to steer, and it feels like the ocean stretches on forever, and the horizon just holds more ocean. At least I have someone in this big boat with me. Thanks Adam for being my life raft.
Feelin'.....Not so groovy.
The first Christmas night
I was thinking, as I so often do, while I was lying in bed, trying desperately sink into the sweet oblivion of dreamless sleep. I was thinking about that first Christmas and the angels and the shepherds. Mostly about the angels. Their song and how joyful and triumphant it must have been. How loud and engaging it must have been. Then I had to stop and think, if it was really as many angels as I imagine, it would have been a song that rang around the world. How could people not hear it. How could it not be heard by every ear...and my thought was disrupted yet again. Every ear. You must have ears to hear and a heart to understand. That song, that I imagine rang around the world, would have been heard by those with a believing heart. Those who heard the song, that sweet song of triumph, were paying attention.
That led to more thinking, yes I think a lot at night, what sweet songs of the angles am I missing, are we all missing, because we are distracted. Distracted by our search for money, or recreation or ANYTHING. I feel like if I"m not doing three things at once, I am wasting time. At work I have music playing in the background, while I do three other things. Even right now I'm watching a moving, chatting with my husband, surfing the web and writing on my blog. Where is the time for silence, for listening to that quiet voice. You know the still small one that tells you right from wrong and gives you direction. We..I need to set time aside for quiet meditation. For listening. For reading peacefully. For my Heavenly Father, so I don't miss out on any more choirs of angles singing, and heralding the miracles of our day.
06 January 2011
101 Things updated
Wonder where I'm at with this?
- Learn to play all of the hymns in the hymn book Working on it
- Pay Tithing on every paycheck 0/72 (if my math is correct) Have to start over on this one
- Finish my novel My computer crashed so I have to start over and I haven't yet.
Paint my windows for each major holiday (Christmas, New Years, Valentines day, Independence day, St Patrick's day, April Fools Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving) 1/20My windows are no longr visable so I think I'm cutting this one out.- Learn to play all the songs in the Children's Hymn book
- Attend the temple at least once a month 0/35 Changing this to attend church every week.
- Write on my blog once a week 1/143 So we all know I'm not doing this one so well :)
- Exercise three times a week each week. Two words....EPIC FAIL
- Keep a journal daily 0/1001 Time to start up on this again
- Daily personal scripture study 0/1001 Time to start up on this again
- Daily family scripture study 0/1001 Time to start up on this again
- Make pillows for my couch Took a couple of sewing lessons from my mom. I think I'm ready to try this one.
- Try a new recipe every week 0/143 I've tried a lot! Sadly I haven't kept track of how many new recipies I've tried. I'd bet it's at least 60 though.
- Reach my goal weight
- Get a family portrait Two thirds done. Gone one of the Smith side and the Gale side (thanks to the weddings) Now I need one of Adam, Herc and I.
- Get new chairs for the dining room not done yet. Luckily this is only a once thing.
Get a dresserDONE! Thanks Mom and Dad for your help on this oneHouse train my puppyHe knows where to go and tries REALLY REALLY hard not to have accidents.- Practice Piano daily 1/1001 Our keyboard is in Storage...no place for it. We need to find a place!
- Spend at least 20 minutes a day cleaning house (excluding vacations) 0/1001 Epic Fail. Time to start trying again. :)
- Read 100 new books 0/100 I think I'm at 6. I need to read shorter books.
- Read the entire Ensign every month 0/35 Need to do this too!
- Pray each morning 1/1001
- Take my nieces and nephews sledding Looking forward to that with 2 feet of snow.
- Quit swearing I think I've gotten worse! I need a swear jar.
- Prepare 72 hour kits for each member of the family (0/2)
Fill all the soda pop bottles that I have been saving with waterThrew them all away in the move.- Put $5 into a jar for me for every task completed (0/101)
- Submit a picture I've taken to a magazine for publication
- Get eyes checked
- Print and frame at least one of my own nature photographs
- Piece and tie a quilt
- Start a Gratitude Journal
- Visit a new state
- Wear makeup daily 1/1001 Forgot how much better I feel about myself when I wear it! Gonna start again.
- Go camping for a weekend
- Do something for a neighbor
- Donate to friends of scouting
Plant a garden with different kinds of veggies than I've grown beforeCorn and watermelon cucumbers! It was awesome! I miss gardening.- Make a list of 100 things I like about myself
- Make a list of 100 reasons I love my husband and give it to him
- Tell Adam I love him every day 1/1001
- Complete a "100 Things that Make me Happy"list.
Write Jeremiah every week for the rest of his mission 0/35Jeremiah's home. Think I can do makeup?- Make 3 new friends
- Put away part of each paycheck into my savings account
- Get a new car
- Do my hair every day 1/1001
- Have PERSONAL prayer on a daily basis
- Get out of Debt
- Learn a new language Working on Spanish and fixin to start learning sign language.
- Start a business have a website...and a facebook page. But I haven't done a lot with it.
Create a website for my business- Start a photo blog and post to it daily
- Go on a romantic weekend getaway with my husband
- Sew something I can wear
Try a new restaurant every month or until we have eaten at all the restaurants in Cedar City(0/35)We moved from Cedar City but I've tried all but one of the restaurants in heber,- Read books by 15 new authors 0/15 Workin on it! Three!
- Have a fireworks display with my family
Go to a parade with my husband4th of July parade in Cedar City.- Go on a hike with my husband
- Watch 10 inspirational movies 0/10
- Send out Christmas cards
- Donate 100 items to DI
- Only drink soda once a week
- Take a vacation
- Complete and frame a cross stitch
- Go to a play
- Do something I'm scared of
- Send a Christmas letter to family and friends
- Bake and decorate 12 cakes 0/12
Attend a renaissance festivalBriefly went to one in Cedar City it was fun- Give $5 to charity for each goal I don't complete
- Get a hutch and display the wedding stuff we have
- Submit a poem for publishing
- Have a family home evening lesson twice a month 0/71
- Have a picnic at a park
- Go to the kings feast at Excalibur in Las Vegas
- Comment on 3 blogs a month that I read 0/105
- Have 3 Girls Night Outs (0/3)
- Learn a new word a day 0/1001
Build a snowmanLast winter with Link Shaunie and GagerHave a snowball fightLast winter with Link Shaunie and Gager- Take a daily multivitamin 1/1001
- Put my blog in a book format
- Go snorkeling
- Clean bathroom once a week
- Get bookshelves and display Our books (this may take mroe than one set of bookshelves)
- Call my sisters once a week (0/143)
- Write a letter to each of my nieces and nephews letting them know why they are special to me.
- refinish my vanity and get it out of my parents house
- Go on a bike ride with my husband
- Learn how to play chess
- Have an outdoor movie night
Bake a pie from scratchPumpkin Pie this thanksgiving! It was yummy apparently- Take a picture for each letter of the alphabet I'm up to U!
- Learn to say thank you and your welcome in 10 languages
- Donate 5 gifts to toys for tots
- Have Kendra and Golden and Mom and Dad over for a game night three times 0/3
- Learn how to make jam
- start the whole mess over again
01 January 2011
The Ghost of Christmas Past
I was talking to my mother the other day about Christmas and why I love it. The conversation wrapped around to not having a lot as I was growing up. Huh. I don't remember that. Yeah as a kid I loved the gifts and I don't remember any shortage of them. What I remember is hiding in the bushes and trying not to giggle so we wouldn't get caught delivering gifts as drop and run. I remember singing carols with my Mom's whole family. I remember waiting with my brothers and sisters to see what Santa brought. There was Rudolph kisses left on our noses more than one Christmas eve. There was caroling in the cold and coming home to warm hot cocoa. There was hugs and love. There was so much love. I remember very few gifts. The one gift I remember most was a vanity table that used to be my grandmothers. It wasn't new and it wasn't expensive it was meaningful and beautiful. Oranges filled the toe of our stocking every year, and I could sure count on peanuts in my stocking. Christmas is my favorite time of year. Not for the gifts. Not for the snow. Not for the hustle and bustle. But there is a feeling of love and memories of warmth and family. The lights are are like stars shining and leading the way back to a time when Christmas meant something a lot more simple. Like one of my favorite Christmas songs says:
C is for the Christ child Born upon this day
R is our Redeemer
S is for the star that shone so bright
T is for three wise men, they who traveled far
19 December 2010
Finding Christmas
I'm a grinch. There. I said it. Now don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. I really do. I've just had a hard time getting excited about it and FEELING it. I've had to be shown. Part of it is I just have seen some much negativity. Christmas is supposed to be a positive thing. Where we remember to love each other, for one short season. Instead you go shopping and there is pushing and shoving and cursing. I don't think I would want MY birthday celebrated that way.
Yesterday I went to Golden Corral and found Christmas. I was noisy and people were grabbing food. I was actually almost finished eating. I went to go get some brussel sprouts and cheese (shush I like them) and I heard a little voice behind me say "it's not our turn yet. We have to wait." I quickly finished and turned around and saw two small children, a little girl and a little boy. I stepped away and listened to what happened next. "Now it's our turn. Come on up" she said patiently. I returned to my table and watched as she served her little brother up some food and helped him, and protected him through the maze of adults who seemed oblivious to this small miracle. The little boy said something about wanting candy or desert and she gently placed her arm around him "No we have to eat this first." She guided him and helped him pick out some fruits and veggies. They then disappeared from view, but not from my mind. My heart was touched and I felt Christmas for the first time this year.
07 December 2010
Thanksgiving....
I was able to take 9 days off for Thanksgiving. I had so much fun I forgot to take pictures.
Sunday we packed and rested
Monday we drove down to my parents house. We thought it was going to be TERRIBLE weather but it was nice and relaxing. When we got there Adam was TYE ERD so he took a nap and I waited for my parents to get home from shopping. When they did I had a whole new wardrobe! Yay for early Christmas. Adam got several really nice shirts as well. He really needed them. Thanks Mom and Dad. After that we went to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part one and Miah brought his cute little girlfriend. She's super sweet. I like her.
Tuesday we hung around and played games, and tried to make plans for the rest of the week.
Wednesday we made pies, I made my first pumpkin pie, everyone said it was yummy. We played more games and visited and hung out with the kids.
Thursday was the main event. Thanksgiving dinner was fabulous. My mom makes one mean turkey. Everything was super yummy and mom and dad had invited a couple over that didn't have anywhere to go. It was fun and there was a lot of laughter and yummy food. Afterward we took family pictures, which I'm waiting for My sister to post on her blog (hint hint) and then we went to see TANGLED!! It was AWESOME. You MUST see it. It was great there was laughing and happiness and tenderness. It was great. Starting at Midnight we went shopping, by we I mean Kendra Becky Mom and myself. We shopped and shopped and shopped and shopped. We came home around 8 AM and got some good deals. It was A LOT of fun. I've never done the whole black friday deals thing. There was about 30 to f45 minutes of shopping and the an hour or so in line it was nuts.
Friday I slept most of the day due to the not getting home til 8 AM thing. Then we ate pizza that Kendra made and it was FABULOUS!! We played games and I had to work for an hour so I went back to mom and dads and did that and then went to bed.
Saturday was a BLAST we went to go get Cafe Rio (yum) and then went to the washington rec center. It was A MAZE ING we watch people climb the wall, Shaunie did it about four times, and most everybody got to the top. Neither Adam or I could do it, but we will....soon. Then we went to the pool Area. It was Amazing! There was a play area for the bigger kids and a play area for the little kids/babies, there was a lazy river and a hydro tube (I'm anti that but that's another story on another blog) The kids had a blast. We went back to Mom's house and goofed around. We had BLTs for dinner and the kids were all tired so there was some snuggling and some visiting. Then I had to work another hour so I did that and then we packed up and left.
All in all it was probably my favorite thanksgiving ever. I loved spending it with my wonderful husband and my awesome family. I miss them so much. Maybe we will be able to move back down next fall......
02 December 2010
Let it snow let it snow.....
We went to church this Sunday, for the first time in awhile. It. was. amazing. It was the first time in a VERY long time that I didn't feel uncomfortable once. What a really cool spiritual experience. There were a couple of young men who bore there testimonies and it was really neat. Everyone had a powerful testimony. I loved it. I was so excited to be a part of this ward. We went to talk to the bishop to get our records transferred. He asked where we lived, and we told him our apartment complex name. "Your not in our ward!" He said. I almost cried. Apparently our ward was split a couple of weeks ago. :( This has happened every time we have moved. Blech. Now we have to find our new ward, and can only pray that our new ward is as awesome as the ward we went to is.
I look forward to the challenges and opportunities this new ward will present. I just hope that I won't be playing the piano in front of people anytime soon.
